The Right (and Wrong) Time for Couples Therapy
Many couples wonder, “Do we really need therapy, or can we figure this out ourselves?”
If you have found yourself asking this, you’re not alone. Frankly, the answer may not be as simple as we’d like, and my response may surprise you. I do not believe that all couples need counseling. In fact, for some relationships, couples therapy may exacerbate issues or create greater risk of traumatization. So, how do you decide when to pursue relationship counseling?
When Couples Therapy May Not Be Helpful
The most important factor to consider first is safety. Couples therapy may be contraindicated, that is, more harmful than helpful, if abuse is occurring in the relationship. While therapy can sometimes be supportive in these situations, research shows that distressed couples are 2–3 times more likely to experience intimate partner violence compared to couples in the general community (Bouchard et al., 2022). If the therapist is not trauma-informed and specifically trained in IPV, couples counseling can unintentionally escalate the intensity or frequency of abuse.
If you are navigating abuse in your relationship, you are not alone. Resources are available, and you may find it more helpful to begin with individual counseling to ensure your physical and emotional safety before considering relational work.
When Individual Therapy Should Come First
Beyond abuse, there are other circumstances where couples counseling may not be the right first step. Almost all couples enter therapy with the (often unspoken) hope that the process will “fix” their partner. But sometimes, one partner may be experiencing more acute struggles such as addiction, trauma, or suicidality, that are intensely impacting the relationship.
If that individual isn’t receiving the individual support they need, couples counseling can unintentionally turn into a space of shaming or blaming. In these cases, starting with individual therapy helps build a stronger foundation for later relationship work.
When Couples Therapy Is Helpful
While there are times when marriage counseling is not recommended, there are many situations where it can be deeply healing and transformative. Here are some of the most common reasons couples in Connecticut seek therapy with me:
Communication Breakdowns
Communication is the number one reason most couples pursue therapy (Utah State University, 2023). But communication breakdowns can show up in a myriad of different ways! Some couples have the same unresolved argument over and over. Others find that casual conversations escalate into intense conflict in the blink of an eye. And some avoid conflict entirely. Lack of all conflict may sound idyllic to some but can point to disconnection or emotional distancing.
Rebuilding Trust
Trust can be shaken by infidelity, secrecy, addiction, or broken promises. In fact, studies suggest that nearly half of all couples experience a betrayal at some point in their relationship (Divorce Magazine, 2016). Couples counseling can provide structure and guidance for processing the hurt together, identifying what repair requires, and rebuilding safety in the relationship.
Intimacy Concerns
Sex and intimacy often bring up vulnerable and difficult conversations. Some couples seek therapy to increase fulfillment in their sexual relationship or to rekindle passion. Others come to navigate mismatched libidos, differing interests, or concerns around performance. What’s key here: emotional safety forms the foundation for physical intimacy to thrive.
Navigating Life Transitions
Major life changes like becoming parents, adjusting to an empty nest, moving, career changes, or financial stress can place strain on even the strongest relationships. Couples counseling offers tools for approaching these transitions as a team, clarifying roles, and making decisions with confidence.
Strengthening an Already Great Relationship
Couples therapy isn’t just for those in crisis. Many partners want to proactively invest in their relationship before problems grow larger or simply desire feeling closer, more connected, and more resilient as a couple.
What Couples Therapy Looks Like
It’s normal to worry that therapy will become a blame game or that the therapist will “take sides.” A skilled couples therapist, however, works to balance the room so both partners feel supported and understood.
In couples counseling, you can expect to:
Explore triggers and patterns that lead to conflict or disconnection
Learn healthier ways to communicate through disagreements and repair after conflict
Practice emotional attunement, empathy, and validation
Build habits of trust and connection outside of therapy sessions
My role as a CT couples counselor is to guide you toward deeper understanding of each other to create a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
How to Know if Now is the Right Time
If you’re unsure whether relationship counseling is right for you, here are a few reflective questions:
Do we feel stuck in the same patterns, no matter what we try?
Do small disagreements escalate into major fights or long stretches of silence?Have we experienced a breach of trust that we’re struggling to heal from?
Are we feeling disconnected in intimacy or struggling to meet one another’s needs?
Are we both willing — even if nervous — to work on the relationship?
If you answered “yes” to any of these, it may be the right time to consider couples therapy. Even a single consultation can clarify whether this step feels supportive and aligned for your relationship.
Closing Thoughts
Couples therapy can be a powerful path forward when approached at the right time and with the right support. It isn’t about deciding whether your relationship is “good enough”- it’s about giving you the tools, space, and guidance to navigate challenges and strengthen your connection.
At Rooted Willow Wellness, my approach is simple: help clients gain the resilience they need to grow in their connections. Rooted in resilience. Growing in connection.
References
Bouchard, G., et al. (2022). Overlap of relationship distress and intimate partner violence in community samples. PubMed
Utah State University, Human Development & Family Studies. (2023). 10 Common Reasons Couples and Families Seek Therapy and How It Helps. cehs.usu.edu
Divorce Magazine. (2016). Frequently-Asked Questions About Infidelity. divorcemag.com
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